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this is another entry from my journal, while reading "1000 Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. God has me in a very vulnerable place, learning how to conquer my feelings, my fears, and embrace all that he has for me – all of it. Pain, which leads to joy, grace, trust, and a new word I am learning
Eucharistao.
Thanksgiving, grace and Joy.
The following entry is my heart-cry from a few days ago.
I hope you can hear my heart.
I am not depressed. quite the opposite.
Just processing. Maybe my words can help you process too.
and we can grow closer to him together.
This is not just a tiny step – a baby step here, LORD.
This is a run – a marathon, a distance between here and the moon.
You are pulling me, dragging me, helping me.
Crack me wide open, LORD.
Break my heart so that you can pour more of you in.
Help me to see.
Really see –
not just behold, but jump in, headfirst.
Plunge deep.
It is you –
you who are doing this in me. Undoing me. Unraveling me.
Release me from the fetters of this life so that I can see.
I can run.
I can –
But how can I see beauty in this? It is sin. Yet I am missing at it. I am tangled up in my hate of the sin and the desire for you. In the hurt that I deserve and the pain that eats away all that you are trying to show me.
Snatches it up and consumes that before I even taste and see that the Lord is good.
What is the secret?
what do I long for here?
why does it hurt so deep and I want the relationship restored and the pain to subside, even stopped throbbing, ripping, tearing – so abrasive is this pain, that it has worn me raw.
Is raw where you and I meet?
Where the salve- the ointment of your Word is the only thing that heals?
"The Word became flesh and dwelt among us."
Dividing the joints and marrow – the sinewy places where the scar tissue is so hard from the life torn apart.
This is where's the healing takes place. Where I embrace the whole of it.
Not just the pain that the "terrible awful" caused by sin and blindness – not seeing – but the whole of it.
Is this not what Job did? And what you did for him? How can I understand it? Open my eyes to see.
You did not just allow Job's troubles, you brought them.
So he could see.
You chose him. So he would choose you.
"Have you considered my servant, Job?"
You are in control of even Satan.
I am like Job.
Writhing and not seeing.
Blind.
But you have beauty to behold. Sin had left its Crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.
This tastes bitter on the tongue – the pain. It seems so tragic.
Meaningless.
Senseless.
It didn't have to be this way. Yet it did. For me. For her.
For us to know. For us to learn.
For us to see.
Open my eyes that I may see, glimpses of truth thou has for me.
Place in my hand the wonderful key that will unclasp and set me free.
Silently now I wait for thee,
ready my God, thy will to see.
Open my eyes, illumine me,
Spirit, divine.
Open the eyes of my heart Lord, open the eyes of my heart.
I want to see you, I want to see you.
To see you high and lifted up, shining in the light of your glory.
Pour out your power and love, as we sing:
holy holy holy–
Lord, God Almighty.
Early in the morning, our songs shall rise to thee.
Cherubim and seraphim, falling down before thee.
Who was, and is, and evermore shall be.
and me – with my face to your son – help me to see.
With my eyes
with my hands
with my heart.
"My son, what is it that you want me to do for you?"
"Lord, I want to see."
To see you fully, and experience you- your joy, unlike anything earth has to offer.
Thats what you are doing in me through all this mess.
And anything that makes me fall on my face before you is good.
Thank you Lord, that you are healing me of my blindness. That you are with me in this process to lead me; to be my guide. To hold my hand and walk me through this maze of pain and despair. To lead me to hope. To Peace. To fullness of Joy. To you. I am so grateful. So dependent for my very breath, for sometimes it feels like I will be smothered by the heaviness of my heart. Yet, when I let you, You carry it. thank you for your joy. For it can be as overwhelming, the soothing balm to my weary soul. Jesus I'm so in love with you. Thank you for making me love you, need you, want you. Jesus, I'm desperate for you.
Lord, you are all I want.
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I have been reading "1000 Gifts" by Ann Voskamp over this past week.(Her blog is www.aholyexperience.com and is a wonderful place to go to see God at work.)
I have been learning a great deal about myself, and I have serious trust (or should I say, lack of trust) issues. I want- really, expect things to be good. To turn out all nicey nicey. And if it doesnt, I have to find someone to blame. I know I don't deserve to have my way, but I want it. Really, really badly. and I often sacrifice much on the altar of self to get it.
So today, I am taking a little side step from Colossians to share my journal entry from a few days ago.
This joy-journey has me undone. I am not a natural. Not a "truster". Not one who has yet learned to "see". To embrace the impossible- the "Him-possible" and look with the wonder of a child. I lost that somewhere along the rocky road of life.
Sure, I can look and see through the good times; I can remember. But for the future? A choke hold comes upon my anxious heart and the "what if's" fly in the face of my ever increasing thankfulness, saying, "you don't know if He will be good in the future. You don't know what will happen."
And I reel, and I thrash and still a Hope-beam shines piercing the fear like a hot knife into a block of ice.
A whisper of quietness tries to touch my soul. "But Remember" it says.
And I breathe. And exhale. Breathe and exhale.
Ps. 1:2
But his delight (joy) is in the law of the LORD and on His law does he meditate day and night.
He is like a tree, planted by streams of water which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. (emphasis mine)
Meditate. Remember.
What law?
Thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul and with all thy strength. And thou shalt have no other gods before me.
OUCH.
When I elevate my heart as to think that I deserve anything, then I am ungrateful, prideful and putting myself on the throne. But when I, in gratitude, bend the knee saying come what may, not my will but thine be done...
Is it really that simple? and that difficult?
Every good thing, and every perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights in whom there is not shadow - no darkness - and who does not change like the shifting sands (of my life). He is the steady one, not I.
I wish I could just nail the lid on this- be done with it and never have to think about it again. Never worry about the future. About my kids and what would happen to them if something happened to me. What may come. Be done with it. Learn it once for all. But now that I have opened it, scratched the scab off, I see there is a gaping hole and all my fears come tumbling out. Spilling, dripping bleeding.
And I am undone.
I am like a bird with the cage door open and I don't know- don't remember how to fly. Or perhaps I am just petrified.
Remember. That is the key that unlocks this trap. Recount. Thanksgiving. Gratitude.
I have lived so long in the state of trying to balance everything, to do enough good that it evens out and that God will recognize it, so he won't send bad stuff my way.....That is not my motive. My motive is love for Jesus, and love for others. But if I really think about it, deep down under the layers, all the way to the marrow, I am afraid.
Of dying.
Of my kids getting hurt or sick or killed.
Of pain.
Of how am I going to see Her? And that somehow, I might really stop loving Her. She who traded the beauty inside and out for a lie? She who has cut me so deep that I bleed joy and pain intermingled? She- who wants so desperately to become he- all the while hoping that is the answer to her own pain?
Remember.
Recount.
Thousands upon Thousands.
Heaped up and spilling over. Blessings. Gifts.
And He who gives good gifts- the ones we see- can He not disguise those good gifts in earthly pains?
He was.
He is.
Did not His ultimate earthly pain bring us the most joy?
He, who for the joy set before Him suffered death (and separation from God) even death on a cross.
Joy.
And I identify with Him, and He with me in my painful quest for joy.
I crucify my desires- even my fears upon the cross with Him. I can let go. I can be free to accept whatever comes from His hand. Because it comes from the hand with hole in it. The Whole in it.
Ps. 1:6
For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous- but the wicked will perish.
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Presents.
Packages.
Gifts.
We all like them. The surprise contained inside usually brightens our day and makes us feel loved.
Especially if the gifter knows us well, and takes the time to either purchase something that we especially want but would not make for ourselves, or if they hand-make us something; for it is the gift of time that is the most precious of all. Because time is the one thing you can never get more of.
Think about it: everything else you can get more of. Or at least something similar. But time, no.
This moment will never be able to be relived.
Memories never remade.
Years never repeated.
I was so blessed yesterday by my dear friends who chose to take time out of their busy holiday schedules and spend the morning with me celebrating my birthday at Teapots and Treasures. We had a lovely time, and I got some wonderful gifts. The most wonderful being time with my beloved friends. Truly they are my heart sisters, and inspire me to be the kind of woman Christ wants me to be.
One of my friends bought me a book called
1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp.
You can find her website here.
(by the way, the Jesse Tree Advent devotional on there is phenomenal.)
I started reading this book last night, and I think every Christian woman needs to read this book. And do the challenge. I know I am and will be this coming year.
About 14 pages into the book I knew this was going to be a life changer for me. And that I had to make sure my daughters read this book. Heres a quote that will explain why:
(from page 15)
Ultimately, in his essence, Satan is an ingrate. And he sinks his venom into the heart of Eden. Satan's sin becomes the first sin of all humanity: the sin of ingratitude. Adam and Eve are, simply, painfully, ungrateful for what God gave.
Isn't that the catalyst of all my sins?
Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other. Standing before that tree, laden with fruit withheld, we listen to Evils murmur, "In the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened..." (Gen. 3:5). But in the beginning our eyes were already open. Our sight was perfect. Our vision let us see a world spilling with goodness. Our eyes fell on nothing but the glory of God. We saw God as He truly is: good. But we were lured by the deception that there was more to a full life, there was more to see. And, true, there was more to see: the ugliness we hadn't beheld, the sinfulness we hadn't witnessed, the loss we hadn't known.
We eat. And, in an instant, we are blind. No longer do we see God as one we can trust. No longer do we perceive Him as wholly good. No longer do we observe all of the remaining paradise.
We eat. And in an instant, we see. Everywhere we look, and we see a world of lack, a universe of loss, a cosmos of scarcity and injustice.
We are hungry. We eat. We are filled...and emptied.
And still, we look at the fruit and see only the material means to fill our emptiness. We don't see the material world for what it is meant to be: as the means to communion with God.
(end of quote)
Wow.
I can't wait to see where this is going. Actually, I know where it is going. But I can't wait to see how she (the author) gets there. Because I think it is going to be a great ride.
All of this to say:
Where are we in our expectations with God? Do we long for His Presents, like a happy family, happy life with well behaved kids, and adoring husband, and even the traffic to go our way, more than we long for His Presence?
I not only long for them, I expect them. And then when they don't happen, I get aggravated and even upset at times. But when I let those circumstances drive me into His Presence, instead of insane, I realize that is exactly what they are there for: to create crisis of belief, and a need for relationship with Him.
I wonder: if we never had any trouble, would we need or want Him?
Why would we need a Savior?
What would He have to save us from?
As it is, he has to save us from Ourselves.
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This is going to be short because it is late, but I feel like I have been amiss in not blogging for the last few days, and I wanted to be consistant. But I am not going to feel guilty, because it is not productive, and because this is not God's standard, it is a self imposed desire to blog daily. So I am going to let it go!
But I just wanted to let you in on some profound things that happened to me today.
First, my friends showered me with love and gifts today at my birthday tea party. I have such a wonderful group of friends, and they just made me feel so incredibly loved and I am so blessed to have each one of them in my life. Ladies, I love you all. Thank you for keeping me on my knees, and making me want to be a better wife, mother and daughter of the King. You all rock my world!
The second thing happened at a little boy's birthday party, where an adopted boy was showered with a party he didnt expect, and a gift he never imagined by an uncle who wasnt even related to him. Ask me and I will tell you the whole story sometime.
The last thing was at church watching my husband filling out the envelope for the Christmas offering, and the TTI offering. And my daughter putting in all the money she had earned by selling jewelry in the One Child offering. And my son as he emptied his wallet of his iPhone savings into the plate as it was passed. After the service, I asked him, "How much did you put in?" "All of it" was his reply. "Why?" I asked. And I will never forget his reply: "I had to, Mom", was all he said. And that was enough for me. Because I understand that. And I walked to the car stunned. My kid gets it. He sees beyond himself, and his wants. He knows he will get more money. God will continue to bless him. He has learned to trust and he was joyfully, happily obedient to give what he had with an open hand.
And why shouldn't he be? He has learned it from the best. And I have had the same teacher he has. His father. My husband. The most generous person I know, and the one whom I have the privilege to be married to. He has taught me to joyfully give and wholeheartedly trust God. Yes, I know I am blessed. But tonight I realized on a deeper level, just how much.
And as we were driving home it hit me: I have looked into the face of God today. I have been in the presence of the Holy Spirit in you today. And in that uncle, and in my husband, and my son and daughter. I have stood in the presence of Almighty God- tangible, visible and holy. I am in awe.
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Well, daily has been difficult, to say the least. Especially this week since my older daughter, Alicia has had a friend from Canada staying with us all week and we have been "showing her the sights"-- Target, Walgreens, Publix... you get the gist of it. Anyway, I have fallen off schedule, and I have to move forward.
A question came to mind on 12/12/12- How will you remember where you were on 12/12/12? and, in ten years, will it matter? I was doing laundry. Nothing special. No fanfare, no hoopla.
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